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| It is time, the revival of xanga has begun. I'm not sure who I'm writing to anymore, or if anyone is even alive out there, but this xanga will not die yet. I'm reviving it. At this time, I want everyone that still possibly reads to go to the bottom left of the site and look at the links. I'm posting all my writing/poetry/stories whatever you want to call them in there from now on. I'm backing them up from myspace, after all is said and done, I'm going to stop using myspace. Period. Seems for the better. Anyways, thats all for now. | | |
| So, I'm sorry to inform you but this isn't a rant or a post about how things went horribly wrong and people suck. On the contrary, things were amazing and everything went perfectly.
It started out with me waking up at 5 in the morning to shave and such. Why I woke up that early, I'll never know, but I did anyways. Checked school closings, we were on another 2 hour delay. So I was going over to shannon's around 8 to get my hair straightend. So I chill until then and finally go over to shannon's. We talk, straighten my hair and then I leave and Danniel and Kaitlyn pick me up. I took a picture that Meagan drew of Davey because I was going to have him sign it. We chill a bit and listen to afi in the car and finally get to Newport around 9:30. The line was filled with about 8 people.
We get in line and immediatly make friends. I swear, afi fans are the best. Two people had been in the line since 6 am and drove all the way from new hampshire. I was so amazed. Others had been there since 8 and 9, so we were around 9th in line or so. We got situated and such and tried to stay warm, but first made a trip to starbucks since the place was a block down. Got some white chocolate mocha frappacinno's and enjoyed them. Got back to line and realised we were sitting in front of a chipoté. You can imagine I had a blast with that, the second they opened I went in and got a burrito. Danniel came in to and got one and we ate a good deal of it before going back outside.
So in the meantime we're talking to all the diferent people, making friends with those in line. This one guy spent $150 on glowsticks, because the whole venue was supposed to break them out during death of seasons. So we were passing them out to every person that came. We conversed more and chilled until later. Well all of a suddon someone screams..
"Hey, isnt that jade?!"
So we look around freaked out, as we looked down the block, there, indeed, was jade coming out of subway and walking down the block. You could tell because his hair was everywhere.
So I figured he was going to starbucks, so I told Danniel we were going to starbucks. We walk, or run, there and sure enough when we walk in..jade's standing by the register getting some coffee. We didn't know what to do so we sat down with a few other DFers we met in line earlier in the day. None of us knew what to say or do so we just let him walk out casually. We were kinda dissapointed we didn't say anything but then someone was freaking out because now Adam and Smith were coming into starbucks. So they walk in and we give them a casual "Hey" and let them do their thing.
Well we weren't able to hold in our excitement any longer, so before they walked out Danniel asked Smith if he wanted a glow stick. Adam just stared at him like we were going to bomb him or something. It was funny. They both said no and walked out.
So we were all kinda just freaking out because of how it happened. It was just great. So Danniel and I go back and tell everyone, I get hungry and eat another burrito.
So as we're waiting more, I get a surprise. Garnet pops up out of no where! It was great to see her, and she was in the meet and greet too. So we're standing there talking until Smith pops his head out of the doors and screams for people to come that were in the meet and greet. So we all get to the doors, Garnet and I being one of the closest, stood next to the door, and told him our names. We conversed a bit with Smith too, I swear he's the funniest guy out there. We had a few interesting conversations.
Smith: God, its so cold out here.
Me: We've been out here for 7 hours, stop complaining.
Smith: Hey I dont choose where we go!
Garnet: Do you want my gloves?
Smith: No thanks, I'm trying to quit. (With a serious look on his face)
Garnet & I: Trying to quit gloves?...
Smith: Yes. (Still looking serious, looks back at his paper)
Yeah it was funny, we waited out side a little longer. I was aware that the whole picture for Davey to sign was covered and there'd be no where for him to sign. Garnet informs me to just tear off the paper and get it re-done later. Good idea. Finally Smith lets us in, I was the first one to walk in and they were filming so I got filmed some. The band was hanging out to the right side of the entrance inside, past the box office. So Garnet and I chill a bit and go up to Davey. Garnet talked to him a bit about how her 3 year old daughter could sing miss murder and loved Davey. He seemed very flattered. I showed him the picture Meagan drew and he was pretty amazed. I had him sign it and got a picture with him and moved to Hunter.
I asked Hunter why he wasn't at starbucks with everyone else. He said he was sick and wasn't feeling good at all, so I was sympathetic and then got a picture with him and moved to Jade. We talked to Jade about how we saw him in Starbucks but didn't want to disturb him and how Garnet saw him in las vegas eating with his lover. We both got pictures, and then went to Adam. We talked to Adam for awhile, about what he got at starbucks and I asked him about the whole glowstick incident and he said he just didn't want anything to do with glow sticks. We got a picture and then Smith started kicking people out. So I wanted a picture with Smith too, so we did and then got kicked out. I'll have pictures after I get them back and scanned somehow.
After all this was over, I talked to some people about it, took my picture back to the car and went back in line. We chilled there for awhile until Tiffany finally came around 6:10 or so. By then we were freezing to hell, every part of me was cold and I was sore from shaking so much. Then the security told us we weren't allowed having glowsticks in the venue because we would "throw them at the stage" So we had to throw a litle over $150 worth of glowsticks away, we were furious. We waited longer until Smith came out and told us he wanted all those in the meet and greet to come inside first. So I went in with the others and got to the venue, Tiffany came and then Danniel and we waited for the first band.
I still don't remember the name of the first band, but they weren't too bad. They were like Australlian or something. Again, not to bad, I'd say a 3 out of 5 performance. Then sick of it all came on, these guys are as oldschool punk as you're going to get. Lizard looking guitarist, bald bassist, but all pretty buff. The guy screamed the whole time and the crowd got restless and crushed me a good deal until finally I said fuck it and went to the right side of the stage, inside the floor area. Finally AFI came on.
The intro was amazing, Davey came on by himself doing prelde 12/21 until everyone else came in. The most amazing intro I've seen in awhile. Davey looked very casual, he had a suit on but then took the suit off and just had a t-shirt on. Girl's not grey was next, then the leaving song part 2. Then they did some awesome songs. They went all the way back to Very Proud of Ya' and did File 13. It was fucking awesome. They also did Malleus Malificarium from Black sails. I was so happy. I don't remember the song order, but I do remember all the songs.
Prelude 12/21, Girl's not grey, kill caustic, leaving song part II, silver and cold, death of seasons, malleus malificarium, file 13, love like winter, song 2 (cover), This time imperfect, the leaving song, dancing through sunday and miss murder.
If i'm forgetting any, sorry. Those aren't in order. It was an amazing show to say the least, I met amazing people and had an amazing time. I even got a free ticket to Cinci but my mom won't let me go so its not happening. So thats about it, I'll have my pictures up as soon as I get them. | | |
| [The Neuronic Works]
By: Christian Harris
Chapter I: Enter the Void
I.) Welcome, to Ebony Welcome to the inner blackness.
Here, life ceases to exist.
Here you can roam for miles and miles without going anywhere,
without achieving anything.
Your entire existance has come crashing down,
and sent into this void of ebony.
I am the voice of the numbing around you.
I am that broken feeling you've surrendered to.
You stare at those around you,
But see no smiles, no joy in their faces.
Only those dark souls of what it is that consumes you.
Eternity.
Infinitly bound to hysteria.
You've arrived unsure of where your heart and your mind lies at.
Well tonight, let it be shown to you:
Yours lies with the rest of them.
Deny it in your mind,
silence out the cries,
but no amount of words or magic can destroy it.
You find it to be fact, and you'll live it regardless.
Truth is irrelavant, to your excuses whether its lived or believed.
It is everywhere, like the very blackness you stand in.
The time has come, you have but one option.
You may leave here, undistracted and sure of your goal.
To take what is yours and leave the blackness in the past, never to be delt with again.
Or another, to stand here, to await the results.
To behold the darkness you lie in, in order to find its end and over come it.
The choice is yours, but make no mistake.
The blackness becomes one with all matter,
no matter the choice intended.
Make your choice.
And be quick. II.) What Choices Lie? [Me]I look around, it seems the colors have all blended.
There's no mistaking this, I fell too soon.
My feelings have all surrendered to this overwhelming state,
it seems that like the colors, they too blended into this mindless form. Two choices lay in front of me, but neither suit me well.
One choice leads to the ultimate forgiveness and all my pain, soon, undone.
The other choice stays in darkness, and I may not leave this place.
But is there a way to find the end to all this without me coming undone? [Misery]You're always there for others, but you're no perfect being.
Intentions never justify the end, only the end result determines what you recieve.
But the intentions you've sought, turn into the opposite action.
[Pride]You've taken their pain, you've taken their tears,
all to show your love and affection.
Your gifts were denied and you were thrown aside.
So to hell with them all, walk out of this mess and into the light!
[Reason]Can you just turn around and think for yourself?
Can you survive with only you in mind?
You've got to find somewhere in between the black and white
and find that harmony where things are always right.
[Pride]Where have you ever seen the lives grow in perfect harmony?
There is no middle state, no place of balance in the world.
You cannot make that path for yourself with all this hate.
[Me]So where do I depart from here?
And what decision do I make?
The thought of either is unbearable to live my life that way..
[Love]You must take it in your heart to understand whats going on.
These fires were not ment for you, nor the burns that scar your skin.
You're an extremist individual, and though some can't understand,
you need to express your heart and always show you can!
[Misery]Take into account all that you've been through
when trying to help those you've loved.
Betrayal, pain and treachery have all been your rewards.
Course you're no better off waiting here, for there's no waiting to be done.
Only the acceptance of your denial to a future that will not come. III.) Conflict of Choice
[Love]Its never been all pain, just look to those you've helped.
[Me]I'm looking around, but they can't be found.
[Pride]So you survive and think for yourself!
[Reason]Are you being honest with yourself and really looking for help?
[Misery]Even if you were to search who's really there?
[Me]In this moment of turmoil now, sometimes the blackness doesn't look so bad.
[Pride]Look what they all have put you through! Can you really blame yourself?
[Love]They've seen the effort you've given them and glory will all come soon.
[Pride]No, the future isn't good enough anymore.
[Me]You're right..I cannot survive like this.
[Reason]Don't deny yourself in this time of darkness.
[Love]Let them all in, you can make it through.
[Misery]You've seen who they all are, never can you be a part of them.
[Reason]Just think for this time, the answer will come. [Me]I look all around me now, the colors are all gone.
In this time of treachery....what can be done? IV.) A Change in Decisions.. The time has come.
Your ending results here.
This is what you've waited for, longed for to see.
Now all thats left is for you to accept what you see.
Can you accept it, and still keep the motivation to survive?
Can you begin to thrive in your life without the passion of another?
It pains, even, me to see you arrive at this,
but alas...
It was not my chance to give....
[Me]The words have left my mind,
and my hands are frozen in place.
I cannot comprehend what it is I'm seeing,
these words placed in front of me can't be real! [Reason]It can't be a dream, this is no joking matter.
Oh, what fear bestows in this heart now..
[Me]I read it again, the words manifest into indescribable pain.
[Reason]Its true indeed, now comes the time for your strength!
[Me]I'm shaking in my skin...these words that have been said.
Like a thousand dancing knives in my chest,
or a roar of eternal pain in one moment.
Like the crucifiction itself, my heart cried for a release..
[Pride]I hope this proves my point, I know I stand it well!
This pain it leaves only further leads to the solution for our need.
Repress your memories, bury all emotions and thrive, its your life!
[Misery]You look in your hearts, and it pains you to feel,
that even you knew of this coming demise.
The end was clear, the past gave clues of this forthcoming.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
[Love]No, the blame was not yours to take.
Though there was a mistake, you have your forgiveness.
I will pull through and give you the strength to forgive...
[Me]..No you're wrong, this can't be the way it'll be..
[Pride]You've come too far to relieve yourself again.
You'll find the way, to protect yourself from this pain from ever appraoching you again.
Now do what you need to do and cut the ties!
[Reason]Everything points to the end, it doesn't seem to be improving.
Your best thought is to show yourself you can get what you want.
[Me]All the facts point to this, reason and pride have proved it so.
It seems its over now....or is it?
[Love]Its time to show the world, your love can overcome.
Its time to show the world, the good left in the world.
Rise up and show the world! [Reason]So now that time to answer lies,
Will you forgive or will you turn?
[Me]I can't turn..my back on her.
I've made these mistakes too.
Life revolves around learning from your empty past.
No more will I forsake...I will accept.
[Reason]You've made the right choice...
[Love]You can show her..let her live again!
[Pride]But let it be known, this pain was vital.
The end was well, but you cannot stand up to this again.
[Misery]The end is fine, but you will return..in time..they cannot protect you... V.) To Rid the Blackness Congradulations, you have survived the first trial.
Your choice was made for the bettering of yourself.
No more concerns, no more pain.
But you have yet to decide what to do with your withering bond.
Shall you nourish it and allow it to grow?
Or should you cut it for good to end the pain?
This is it, your, seemingly, last choice.
LET EM future.....< upcoming your from and past, own learned, you?ve all you, around those of interest best the in made be it> [Me]These scars still stain my hands,
I can't forget the past.
The pain it brings my broken heart is already enough to bear.
I can protect my future still, and stop my involvement in this mess! [Pride]Yes, now you finally see, your past cannot be erased.
But no more will you allow this heartbreaking agony to cross your path again! [Love]You must always show you can be there for them,
no matter the cost to yourself.
And if the future allows it, then maybe, your fire will burn again.
[Reason]You can't make this decision yet, there's not been enough time.
Let the day speak for itself, and then you can decide what to do. [Misery]Don't wait to see what the end holds, because I tell you now its nothing but tragic.
No matter the end, no matter the results,
your will has been broken and your hands are charred for good.
[Me]I will wait and hold myself here until the end is clear,
but I can't wait too long here anymore, I've got my own salvation to achieve.
[Fear]you've seen it before...and now you're involved...
you can't ever escape this situation...
you will fall to the urges just as they all did..
you will make the wrong choice just as you always have..
i've consumed what senses you have left..
[Reason]Don't let fear overcome, but take your time.
You have more time now that you have more certainity.
Use it wisely, don't hesitate and don't jump into it.
Let the future come on its own will and adjust yourself to its call.
If you follow my words, and heed what I say..the end will be better then you thought possible... VI.) Uncertainty arrises... Ahh, your poor soul.
Uncertainty arrises again to steal your peace away.
You thought you knew the answers
but you can't ever be sure anymore.
The confusion arrises,
the mystery begins.
Now you feel you must make things right again..
Where will you turn now?
[Misery]Closed in by these iron gates, you're left in this denial.
How far will you go to ease this uncertainty?
So many questions burn inside of you
and so many more remain unanswered.
Its come again, you're forced to sink.
[Me]I can't go through with what I want..
My love burns strong for her..
But am I willing still to compromise
all those things I've longed despise?
[Pride]You cannot compromise to those other ones,
they never did it for you.
They did what they wanted, so must you!
Give up your selfless instincts and survive.
[Love]No you can't, look at what its done to her.
Her life isn't even in her hands anymore.
Be careful not to smother her, but there you must.
You will never be content until she's content with herself.
[Pride]But look at what its done to you, its been a pain-filled time.
It was this very thing that brought you here to begin with..
[Me]I can't do it again..I want it all back, I'd give up anything..
[Reason]You can't go back to that unhealthy state, you must see some of it for you.
[Misery]You care so much, but it won't be met and you'll live in discontent.
[Fear]but look at where you are right now, its the resting place of your heart.
[Me]Again we're looking at what I want,
Again we're trying to fix things through.
I'm tired of the guilt, I'm tired of the pain.
I want it back..I want it back..
[Love]You must fight for what you love!
[Pride]You must fight for yourself!
[Me]Let me out......
Let me know she's okay......
..I can't survive this anymore.....
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VII.) The Fear Awakes Inside
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..................[Fear]the world of the future.
where you lie in most.
you will lose her all together and the respect of yourself.
dark and anger filled moments you'll face
from now until this is done.
you'll never go back.
and you'll never be whole.
you will grow on your own and see nothing again.
no one to guide you.
you lost her care and you lost her last chance.
you've killed all you were killing yourself to fix.
and it will be lost from you..for eternity.
This is the world you will live in.
And it is inevitable...
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...................[Me]I miss you........ VIII.) The Choice So it's come to this.
A final decision you've made at last.
Through the light or bitter darkness you will follow this choice.
There will be no turning back, and let this serve as the oath.
Turning back will mean punishments for the future...
[Reason]The pieces are all put together now and you've looked at all the reasoning.
[Pride]You saw whats best, the path that soothes and causes least pain.
[Love]You will pull through, its all for her, its all for the two of you.
[Misery]You understand the consequences if this shall fail in the end.
[Fear]And you know the future that awaits you if the end kills you....
[Me]I've looked around, all this time.
I see no time, I see no rhyme to this pattern, so unreal.
I've looked to the past, and saw its pains.
Though it seems like all...the light over comes what I can't see.
I will not break, I will not falter. I will live for her.
I will come to see the sun shine in her hair, as she breathes the fresh air.
My life will go on, regardless of the end result, but let it be known my choice...
....to remain in this numbing ebony, and wait for her to come.
[Reason]You are sure of your choice?
[Me]I have looked at them all, this is what I desire.
[Misery]Of course you know, the pain will be great.
[Me]But the light I see in her is greater.
[Love]You're not alone in this fight, she's always there for you.
[Pride]But you must be there for her, and stand your ground for the better end!
[Me]Yes, I can see it now. The dark doesn't seem so bad anymore........ IX.) Awaiting time... Time will be the final decider in this war.
As long as you hold your ground, it will prevail.
There will be trials, ohhh..there will be many.
But remember your oath, and remember who you are
and no factor in the world can penetrate it.
Remember....Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
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Chapter II: Through the Darkness
I.) Error of Human Logic
Lets look ahead at what has been.
A full week now you've reached since your entrance.
Where do your values remain now?
How have you come to compensate with what your life has given you?
...And most importantly, how are you surviving?
[Me]I've explored this place, hoping for a difference in color,
a brightness in the black.
But no brightness lights this place, the darkness holds strong.
I can see my dreams, I can see them withering away.
I have not long forgotten my oath, and will not while I'm alive.
Yet, I've found my reality altered greatly..my values given up.
I can see myself, in the position of hatred, without guilt.
After all, I am normal, and I cannot avoid those phases either.
Just like everyone else did.......right?
[Reason]You suffer now, at the hands of your uncertainty to survive.
Though your goal is clear, you still have not made a way out for yourself.
You suffer at the hands of your misery.
It cannot be hidden, it must be confronted to be rid of it.
[Me]I see myself in an image from a part of me,
breaking, dilluting,
becoming accustomed to the errors of the world.
I've surrendered my values for the hope of new forgiveness,
and the chance to breath a new life...
[Reason]You must learn to deal with this pain,
it cannot overcome all you believe as right.
There must be a sense to stand for yourself,
and fight to keep what you believe, right.
[Me]I've run across an error, it seems I've misbelieved.
Its all a part of the world and that I can't fight.
Its the error of my human ways...and the denial to accept it.
II.) Emptyness...The Void
[Me]I can't see anymore..this night has been haunting me for so long.
My towers are gone, my beliefs are no more.
I'm turning endlessly, in hopes to hit something to stop me.
But I continue to roll down a black hill in a blacker night.
I'm screaming for relation, someone to rebuild my towers.
This burden has me mentally exhausted for far too long..
I cannot support it with my broken hands by myself any longer.
Everything's so overwhelming...I'm screaming for someone..
but even if they came, would I see them, or am I too blind now?
Blinded by misery, blinded by confusion. I'm held down by my own made restraints.
The burden of my morality finally came down upon me and I fell.
I can feel myself hollowed out, for so many years it was working its way to become one inside.
I want to so badly feel again, I want to see the sunshine in my eyes again.
But there's only one way out now..one way out alive.
Oh how I've wished for death, a swift and quick blow to the pain.
But no death can I inflict upon myself...it must come on its own.
But the longing for its peaceful slumber remains.
But I will live on regardless, and continue to fall further down.
The holes are growing closer towards me..I fear I may fall soon.
What betrayal it would be to myself...how would I function?
I could not see myself whole anymore, it would be the end of my pride.
I cannot sink to that level...I cannot break myself...
but how much longer can I bear this pressure before I give?
So many questions...so little comfort...what can I do....?
III.) Reconstruction of Self
It has stopped,
you have survived the degrading fall of doubts.
Though your shields have been thrown down,
they can always be rebuilt again.
You have the power within you,
and you can survive this.
But the journey has not ended yet,
be diligent, there are more trials to come.
[Me]I've stopped rolling downward and I've missed the holes in my way.
I can stand on my own again, no more dependency.
These thoughts hit me hard and they've clouded my certainty,
but I'm standing again, no more doubts.
[Reason]You must learn to fight for yourself, not the ones around you.
Survive these trials and feed off of your own pride inside.
The journey, no matter the results, end with how you see yourself.
Search inside and thrive, begin to feel your pulse again.
[Pride]Its time to change your own ways,
become the man you've dremt about for years.
Independent and strong, unaffected by those around you.
Come forth, and be recognized in your own eyes!
[Me]I am alive, and standing again.
I have passed this test, and moved on my own free will for the betterance of me.
Now I look at these towers that were destroyed,
and with the fire and passion in my eyes.
I must rebuild my beliefs,
I must not die again!
[Love]Destroying the remains....
The pulse begins to change...
[Me]Here I am, standing on my own.
[Misery]Alone in this relm, you've been condoned.
[Me]But I cannot repress, or I'm already dead.
[Reason]Then control yourself, and bring yourself back!
[Pride]But the old musn't thrive, it must be the new you!
Here you stand on the edge of the old thoughts.
Such a tattered way of thinking.
Remorse, pity, what needless things!
The destruction is brought upon those who choose it so!
[Fear]You won't return the same...
This fear will always remain....
[Me]So here I am, on the death of the old.
Time has come to renew myself.
I must not regret, I must not look back.
But I must continue this journey.. IV.) Another time, Another Space Ahh, a familiar feeling.
The one of an upcoming tremor,
a feeling of premonition maybe?
You've felt it before, has it been wrong in the past?
But don't give up hope yet, there are chances still to come your way.
But the journey is not over when it ends..
it continues on...
and on..
and on..
and on..
and on..
and on..
and on....
[Me]I've felt this way before,
in a past dream or maybe the past itself.
Its as if my mind see's ahead, what lies beyond?
Is this a waste of time, or has my paranoia overtaken me?
[Love]Some things are stronger then the grace that can be offered.
Such is a time, don't fear the future.
Its out of our control to where it leads you...
[Pride]This can't be happening to you, you've worked for so long.
You've seen this happen all too many times.
It approaches again, but before it can, throw down your affection.
It will be the key to your survival.
[Fear]Its time to feel your end.
No more this time, will you find a hope
left inside this darkness around you.
[Me]I've seen the end in my eyes,
has it come for me, or was I walking under its influence this entire time?
[Reason]The end knows....the end awaits.
V.) The End of Hope Halted.
You've been denied any further passage into this direction.
The time has come, your emotions have not betrayed you.
Nothing in your power could have been done to save this.
You were a victim of unfortunate fate.
Now comes the time to turn around, and head back,
back to the direction that led you out.
But can you find the way without losing everything? [Me]I'm in disbelief, once again.
I can't go on, my hopes have been crushed to the floor, with no remorse.
I saw this end, in my dreams, how unreal it seemed, but now its finally here.
I've dreamt of a future again, it brought tears to my eyes, the thought of finding peace.
No more, that dream dies now...
[Love]You can't blame yourself for the destruction of that future,
such things were not meant to see the end through.
Now you must concentrate on survival,
and making your way through this darkness alone.
[Pride]I've seen this end coming forth.
Now protect yourself, don't let it take you by shock.
Quickly now, throw away it all!
Let it be left in the darkness, never to be felt again.
[Reason]It seems they're all right,
to protect yourself, you have to move on now.
Don't be afraid, we will guide you.
[Misery]Such days you thought you'd never see.
Walking alone in this darkness has a sense of superiority,
as it ruins your innocense in the dark.
[Fear]You can't find your way out of here,
there is no one now attaching you to the outside.
Such an agonizing journey...what way of survival can you make?
[Passion]of here lies within you!
Human instinct to survive applies to you now.
Stand up, step foward until your goal is reached!
[Sorrow]Its like a never ending sea,
looking out for land, but seeing nothing around.
How can you get up again, when all your hopes,
all your love was thrown away so suddenly?
Your dreams are shattered...Your love is gone...
and your hope has ended...when all you wanted was peace.
VI.) Survival Bound
[Me]Look at me now, lying on my knees in sorrow.
What of a man when he's lost his pride to this treachery of life?
No, no more. I won't stand for it.
I'm standing up, I'm not looking back.
These obstacles shall not overcome me
and this sorrow will not overtake me.
[Pride]You have the power and the ability,
to see yourself through.
Push through the negative emotions and walk out of here alive!
[Reason]Yes, this is what it takes. a feeling of ability.
[Passion]No more of this weeping, this moment, you'll stand!
[Me]I will walk myself out of this and into the light.
[Misery]But what of the past and the pain it still brings?
[Pride]You'll see the end of it as its left here to die.
[Me]I won't go on living my life in the past.
[Reason]So then out we travel, let the light be your inspiration.
[Me]Not only the light but the power to stand! So then, away you go.
You'll search and struggle to leave this numbing ebony once and for all.
Let your emotions guide you well,
for as I've said before:
This journey isn't over, even when it ends.
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| It seems, I've made a discovery. A vital discovery that puts one of the worst flaws to my morality standards.
Human beings are imperfect. This is a fact. We will fail at things, we will be selfish, inconsiderate and rude. Attempts to change that is futile.
But then, you get people like me. My morality is set to always follow that of which is good in the world. Compassion, Respect, Understanding, Unconditional love. All of that. And because of how extreme I set my morality, I refuse to be like others and fail at these. I always want to be loving, I always want to be there for other people, I always want other people to see me as someone who cares no matter what. Someone to depend on, because there's not alot of people left like that. But then..Human nature kicks in. That one, undefeatable flaw in us all. It ruins that morality and over powers it, and when that happens, we're crushed. If you have morals in something you believe in very strongly, and you defy them or break them, its crushing and heartbreaking. So you try again, even harder. Again, you fail and are hurt more. And again, and again, and again.
Eventually it gets to the point where its like you're on a cliff, looking down at a wasteland that used to be your control, black, desolate, nothing but ashes. By attempting to control it all, and to always do right, you destroy all your hope and all your light to the point where anything can send you into a time of despair. You've dissapointed yourself so much, and to such a vast degree that you lose so much hope in yourself. You're forced to look to others you tried to help as a crutch to get back up and feel some joy, but you don't find people who are always trying to help you..and you fall more. Even if someone dissapoints you for a compeltely logical reason, you still hurt, you look around, and no longer see anyone. And you sink into despair. You sink into it and embrace it. Until someone pulls you out, but when they do you cling to them as if they're you're only source of joy..and they mainly are..but in doing so you suck too much out of them and you fall back into your despair again. Its a vicious cycle, but its the one I seem to be living.
Its almost better to embrace your imperfections and know you're going to hurt people and be okay with it. But I can't be okay with that..I can't knowingly hurt someone and think its okay because I'm not the one hurt. It tears me apart. But it seems thats the safer route, the one that hurts less.
This all began to occur to me a few nights ago..so I thought I'd write about it because writing always makes things clearer and sometimes helps others out. So for those of you out there that do this, I feel you.
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| Well I can't say this will be called an actual update, more like a quick summary to keep my xanga alive and well. Christmas break is finally here, of course I can't say its going to be that great other than sleeping, I don't have much plans. Hiliary and I are almost 6 months, about a week after new years anyways. I'm into some new bands, very good and talented new bands unlike most of todays, such as Ayreon and SoP. Christmas is monday, and I still have to get things, I suck. Katie Spangler and I are going to go into the talent show and play two HIM songs, Killing Lonlieness and Under the rose are the two we think we want to do. And thats pretty much it. So there's your quick update. | | |
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